ONWARD! TO THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!
by Neji-Is-A-Caged-Bi-8D
Summary: Gai Sensei and Lee invite well, more like drag along Neji for a 'youthful trip of manly-ness.' How will this turn out?
1. A Vacation Ruined

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, okay? I'm sick of writing this. Kishimoto owns it, blah blah blah. Get the picture? You'd better…Oh! And I don't own Flintstone Vitamins either 8D

Ah, yes. The 'Fountain of Youth' incident. I remember it like it was yesterday…even though it was last week…anyway, on to the story. -.-

I was watching my huge flat screen TV in my summer condo in California. It's nice and cozy and pretty basic. You know, a hot tub, a whirlpool bathtub, two bedrooms, a TV in every room, and every videogame known to man and a couple known only to cows. (Don't tell them I told you, though.)

Where was I? Oh yeah. Lee rudely burst through my door. "Hello, Neji! Are you having a wonderful day?!"

"…No," I went back to watching American Idol.

"Well, that is not good!" Lee said looking like his pet beaver had just died. But he was over it right away. "OH! I was sent here to ask you if you would join me and Lord Gai on a manly trip of manly-ness!"

"Okay, two things. One: since when is he 'Lord Gai'?"

"Lord Gai will always rule over us all fairly with his youthful-ness!" Lee made a retarded super hero like pose and sparkles flew around him.

I shook my head. "Yeah. Okay. Whatever. Two: what's this trip all about now?"

"We are going to go and find the Fountain of Youth!" Gai Sensei randomly appeared in front of us.

"OH MY GOODNESS! LORD GAI! WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?!" Lee looked at Gai Sensei in awe.

"I just got here, Lee. And I'm not going to tell you again, stop calling me Lord Gai…it makes me feel un-youthful…"

"I am sorry, Gai Sensei!" Lee looked up at him with extremely sad eyes.

Gai Sensei ignored him and turned to me. "So, how 'bout it, Neji? Come with us on our manly trip of manly youth-ness…?"

"As long as you don't, like, rape me or anything…" I sighed. Hey, I don't trust them, okay?

Gai Sensei pulled out a map. "Okay, so we're going to travel through the evil city of LA. Then, we're going to go through a dark forest I've heard the Akatsuki is hiding out in. Next, we're heading out to the ocean to Florida and we're sailing towards the Fountain of Youth!" Gai Sensei did the 'nice guy' pose and, of course, so did Lee.

I thought about this for a minute. "Why can't we just take a plane?"

Gai Sensei scoffed. "Neji, a plane is neither manly or youthful! We have to travel with only our wits and a pocket knife to be a real man!"

"All I want is to be a real alive man," I said. How the fuck were we going to survive with just a pocketknife and my wits? (Trust me, neither Gai Sensei or Lee has any. I'm sure of it. And yes, that was kind of a gay joke somehow…SOMEHOW… )

Gai Sensei of course ignored me. "We head out tomorrow at dawn! Be there, Neji, or be a lonely youth with nothing to live for but a TV set and a computer…poverty…"

When he said that, for some reason, I thought of my father…weird. -.-


	2. Phase One: South LA

I woke up the next morning and got ready. I ate some magically delicious Lucky Charms for breakfast. And why shouldn't I? They're fuckin' magically delicious!

Any who, then I started on my hair. First, I wash it twice; once with regular shampoo, then with an awesome conditioner that smells like strawberries. Then, I blow-dry it (Marite, you are a TERRIBLE person!) on low for fifteen minutes. Of course, I use a special brush I bought in Mexico and brush my hair for EXACTLY ten minutes. And I tie it back on the bottom and put on my forehead protector.

Then, of course, I brush my teeth and stuff like that. But, finally, I spray on some 'Brittany Spears: Curious.' I don't leave the house without it, so I slip a bottle in my pocket and head out to meet the gay-tards.

"Hello, Neji!" Lee greets me, saluting or something retarded like that. He and Gai Sensei are carrying backpacks that look heavier and slightly taller than them.

"What happened to 'just a pocket knife'?" I asked.

"That's all I'm carrying, Neji," Gai Sensei unzipped the huge backpack and pulled out a pocketknife. This was no ordinary pocketknife. Hell no. I hate to say it, but I'm totally surprised that the pocketknife fit in that backpack. It towered over me, if had to be at least six and a half feet tall.

"What the hell?!" I stare up at it.

"It's got everything we need for survival in here..." Gai Sensei trailed off.

There was a moment of pure silence. "I am carrying a bag of bricks!" Lee screamed, scaring a couple of birds near by.

"Dare I ask why?" I knew Lee had mental issues, but jeez!

"I am training to be the best ninja I can be!" Lee said and spun around in a circle, sparkles flying around him.

"Yeah..." I said and we took off towards the devil city known as Southern LA. -.-

South LA is a devil town. I swear to god, there were people on the streets doing drugs in front of police officers. For God's sake, some of the police officers were doing drugs!

"Hey, you, short kid!" Someone called to me.

I turned around slowly. "Y-yes, kind sir?"

"You have nice hair!" He smiled evilly. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm SO not racist. But this guy just so happened to be black (just like everyone else in South LA.) Anyway, he and his posse of doom started walking towards me, all smiling evilly.

"Want some candy?" One of them offered.

I ran like Hell, just like any good ninja would. I could hear them calling after me "Come on! It's cherry flavored!"

There was only one thing to do. Hi-jack a car and drive.

I jumped in the closest car; a pretty pink sports car with flower stickers on it along with the multiple bumper stickers that said 'Give hugs, not drugs!' So, basically, it was my dream car.

Taking off, I realized that Gai Sensei and Lee were gone. Yeah, I'm slow. Deal with it. Of course, they were probably off somewhere getting raped, so I didn't really care.

"COME BACK HERE CHILD WITH WONDERFUL FLOWING HAIR!" The group of thugs was chasing me in their gangsta truck of doom.

"MAKE ME!" I slammed on the gas pedal and swerved around cars. I pressed the horn, but all that happened was a voice that sounded like a way too nice kindergarten teacher said 'I love you!' This car just kept getting better and better.

I looked behind me. Somehow, I managed to loose them. Maybe an old lady started beating them with her cane...

"Hi, Neji..." Gai Sensei was in the passenger seat.

"What the hell!?" I looked at him.

"Have you seen Lee?" He asked me as if it was totally normal for him to just appear out of nowhere.

There was mumbling coming from the trunk. And then, the trunk burst into a burst of sparkles as Lee stood there heroically.

"Hello, everyone!" He said smiling.

"Lee, where have you been?" Gai Sensei asked. I could tell he was afraid to hear the answer.

"I've been praying to Uranus!" He said.

Gai Sensei blinked, hearing this as any other human being would. "Lee, I understand you think I'm a great person, but I just might have to get a restraining order..."

"Then I will get one against you, Gai Sensei!" He wasn't saying this like he was mad, more like he was challenging himself. "Nay, I shall get two! And if I cannot do that, I will do five hundred push-ups! And if I die doing so, I will save a turtle from a tree! And-"

"SHUT UP!" Gai Sensei and I shouted together.

"I am sorry!" Lee said, those annoying sparkles floating around him.

Gai Sensei shook his head and began to walk ahead. Lee followed him and began to talk to him about something retarded like youth or world peace. All I could do was hide my head in shame from the people who were staring at us. -.-


	3. Phase Two:The Forest of the Big Ass Rock

About an hour later, we finally reached the forest. Just for the hell of it, we're calling the forest 'The Forest of the Big Ass Rock'. You'll kind of see why in a moment...

"Alright men-" Gai Sensei cut himself off. "Uh...Okay, you two! It's time for us to take a detour! Like I said before, I heard the Akatsuki is hiding out here. So, here's the plan-"

"Wait!" I cut him off. "You're saying we're going to attack a group of ten s-ranked ninjas who don't care who they kill...in the middle of the forest?!"

"That's right," He smiled and did the retarded thumbs up thing. "Now, as I was saying, have you guys ever heard the song 'Big Ass Rock' by The Full Monty?"

Lee and I both shook our heads.

"Well, listen to it sometime. Anyway, it's from that song I got the inspiration. You see, we're gonna get a rock. I mean a big ass rock, and we're going to drop it on their heads." He made a face that looked sort of like this: 8D.

There was a moment of silence.

"That is a wonderful plan, Gai Sensei! You are a genius! I do not know how you think of all of these great-"

"Lee, shut the fuck up or I'm going to make you take up the trumpet..." Gai Sensei said in his usual retarded tone of voice.

"I'm sorry, Gai Sensei!" Lee said, saluting retardedly with those damn sparkles floating around him. I swear to god, those sparkles are going to get shot or my name isn't...isn't...uhm...never mind...

We all walked into the forest, looking around for a clue. Even the smallest clue, like a footprint or something. And, of course, I was the only one to spot the sign that read: 'Akatsuki Lair! Every Hour is Happy Hour!' in big, neon flashing lights. Being the nice and caring person I am, I sent Lee and Gai Sensei to check out the surrounding area.

"Of course, Neji-san!" Lee stood proudly. "And if I cannot, I will-"

"JUST GO!" I screamed and he skipped along with Gai at his side...

It only took seconds for them to come back screaming and panting (from running so fast, you frickin' pervs!)

I sighed. "What happened?"

They both just pointed into the forest, wide eyed.

I walked in the direction they were pointing and immediately realized why they were screaming. All of the akatsuki members were gathered in a circle...playing strip poker. DUN DUN DUN!

Deidara sat there (fully dressed just incase you wanted to know) staring at his cards. "Okay, hit me."

Sasori slapped him across the face emotionlessly.

"OW! Son of a bitch!" Deidara screamed. "I meant give me a card, you dumbass!"

"Oh..." Sasori dealt him a card and Deidara sweat dropped.

I ran before I could see who won. See. I'm not gay. I'm bi. A caged bi.

"We warned you..." Gai Sensei appeared right next to me. I was basically used to this by now.

"What? No you did not!" I said, scowling.

"We said '...' That should have given you a clue!" He shook his head. "I'm so ashamed..."

"YOU'RE ashamed?!" Before I could go on, Lee interrupted me.

"We must move on! We are going to have to catch the akatsuki some other time!" He beamed.

"...Yeah..." I began to walk ahead as Lee talked to Gai Sensei about something retarded such as saving little children from China. -.-


	4. Phase Three: Canoeing

We got out of the forest surprisingly quickly, only an hour...or two...maybe five. Anyway, I found myself on a coastline. The view was beautiful! The sun was just beginning to set and there was a small waterfall near by. I could feel the warmth in my heart and insert something else retardedly corny here. But, of course, as if on cue Lee and Gai Sensei were in front of the waterfall, hugging and crying tears of joy, you know the drill. This made my good mood crash, burn, and die in the fiery pits of Hell.

Gai Sensei took a deep breath. "Okay. Now, we must set out in the canoes!"

"Canoes?" I asked, wide eyed. As I'm sure you all know, I cannot swim...at all. So, I was scared to death.

Of course, Lee was a frickin' bundle of joy. "Oh my goodness! I love to canoe! Let us go!" He began to skip towards the water.

"Hold on there, Lee!" Gai Sensei grabbed Lee's shoulder before he totally submerged himself in the water. "Now, we only have one canoe. So, out of generosity, I have decided to give you two the canoe!" He smiled and did the whole 'thumbs up, tooth shine' thing.

"Well, what are you going to do, Gai Sensei?" Lee said, tilting his head to the side.

"I've arranged for a ride from that one row boat guy from the time when Haku was still alive. He's a great singer, you know..." (Watch Naruto Abridged Series to understand 8D)

"So, you're making two thirteen year olds row a canoe for the first time, by themselves, while you sit in a canoe while someone rows for you?" I asked.

"Out of generosity!" Gai Sensei corrected me.

I sweat dropped. Before I could say anything else, I heard something. It wasn't a scream, exactly. More like a dying cat and a drowning child mixed together. I came to learn it was actually someone singing...

"Howdy!" I turned around to see, as Gai Sensei had promised, that one rowboat guy from when Haku was alive. How ever, Gai Sensei had lied about his singing. Saying he was a pretty good singer was such an understatement. Well, to me anyway. Maybe some people think it's bad...but it's not their fault they're mentally retarded.

"Good, you're right on time!" Gai Sensei said, climbing into the canoe.

"Good luck, Gai Sensei!" Lee called as the canoe sped away. "We will miss you!" Lee burst into tears.

"Oh, just shut up and get in the canoe..." I scowled and climbed in the canoe, falling over right away. I began to thrash around like a frickin' two year old someone just threw in a lake. "Help! I'm drowning! Heeeelp!" I began to sink.

"Neji-san! You may want to stand up, I think that will help you from drowning!" Lee smiled and sparkles floated around him in an annoying manner. God dammit, where the hell do those sparkles come- you know what, I'm not going to think about that...

I stood up, the water barely reaching above my knees. "Oh..." I climbed back into the canoe and Lee climbed in after me.

"This will be fun, Neji-san!" Lee smiled and began to row.

It took less than a minute to realize Lee and I were not meant to row a canoe together. First, we got stuck in a bunch of mud. Then we couldn't stop running into the sides of the extremely narrow river. I thought we were never going to get out of the river until...

"I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!" Lee screamed. Though he was extremely pissed, Lee couldn't use a contraction. "HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU GET US STUCK IN A TREE?!"

"Hey, it's not my fault there's a frickin' bunch of branches in the middle of the river!" Though we had just gotten to a wider part of the river, there was a big bunch of branches right in the middle of everything.

"Well, let us just try getting out..." Lee mumbled and began to paddle randomly.

"Wow. Great idea, why didn't I think of that?" I rolled my eyes.

"Well, what do you think we should do?" Lee scowled at me.

I mumbled and began to paddle backwards as well.

Fifteen minutes passed before we were almost out of the tree, one more paddle and we'd be free. But, no, of course not. A little girl came out of know where, paddling like mad. She and her friend were giggling, and they somehow managed to push our canoe and send it flipping all the way to the top of the tree...thing.

"I'll get you, Jacob!" I screamed at the girls as they paddled away, who were laughing even harder. I have no idea what their names were...so I chose Jacob.

"This is all your fault!" Lee screamed.

"How is this my fault?!" I screamed back. We yelled and screamed and had a sissy slap fight, all of this rocking the canoe slightly.

"Ooo! I know, let us rock the canoe out of the tree!" Lee brightened immediately.

"Good idea!" I smiled in mock admiration. "Let's just topple into the water and drown!"

Lee ignored me and began to rock the canoe. I sighed, but rocked the canoe as well. Hours upon hours of rocking, but nothing happened.

"I GIVE UP!" I threw myself backwards against the canoe. I'm sure you're expecting it to move, but it didn't. It didn't move a single inch. That is, not until a few hours later.

Silence had fallen. I was just about to fall asleep when I sneezed. A sneeze, that's all. That's all it took to send the canoe flying all the way out of the tree and into the _ocean_. The canoe wasn't even upside down everything was up just right.

My eye twitched, but Lee seemed to pay no mind to it. We began to paddle until we found a big ship. I looked exactly like a pirate ship, except the skull on the flag was making the '8D' face. Of course, as naive as we are, we began to paddle towards the ship. -.-


	5. Phase Four: The High Seas

Night had fallen because we had been in the tree so long, so the pirate like ship almost seemed to be glowing. As soon as we reached the ship, Lee pointed out a convenient rope ladder hanging off the ship. We climbed the ladder, carefully placing our steps. Most of the ladder was worn and ready to collapse.

Lee and I sneaked around the ship, seeing if anyone was there. We didn't find anyone at first but of course, after Lee abandoned me, Gai Sensei appeared out of nowhere. "Arrrg!"

I blinked at him. He was dressed exactly like a captain, retarded hat with a feather and all. The hat was frickin' huge, too. It nearly went over his eyes.

"I see you've found the ship!" He smiled. He was talking with the retarded accent thing that a pirate has. I was becoming even more ashamed, if that was possible. "Put this on!" He threw a pile of clothes at me. I know what you all are thinking, and you are sick, terrible people! -.-

"Aw, Neji-san, come on!" Lee called to me. I refused to immerge from the bathroom. Not in this outfit...

"We have muffins!" Gai Sensei said, still talking like a pirate. Lee hadn't yet begun to talk like one, but I knew it was coming...

I hesitated. "What kind of muffins?"

"Chocolate chip!" Lee said in a singsong voice.

I burst through the door. Surprisingly, they actually had muffins. They threw one to me and I ate it immediately. Now, I know you're all dying to know what I'm wearing because you all fail at life. I had on one of those red and white striped shirts and ragged, light blue, Capri pants that were slightly torn at the bottom. Gai Sensei also insisted I wear an eye patch to finish off the look. I was more ashamed of myself for listening to him that him for coming up with the whole thing.

Gai Sensei proceeded as if nothing was wrong and we weren't all dressed like pirates. He pulled out a map and spread it out on the table that just appeared in front of him. "All right, now, we're going to be sailing from here," he pointed to the place on the map marked 'you are here'. "To here!" He moved his finger around the map to the middle of the ocean a little south of Florida. "This should take us a little less than a week, but it will be packed with a month's worth of fun!" He smiled and, of _fricking_ course, so did Lee.

"That's great..." I said. I ran to the side of the boat to throw up. I get very seasick...

Seconds felt like hours. The boat was extremely boring. There was nothing to do. No TV, no videogames, no computer... It was a living Hell. The time I didn't spend throwing up, I stared at the clouds. I swear, one spelled 'get a life, asshole!' It took a while, but I slowly drifted off to sleep... -.-

"What the hell are you doing?!" I screamed at Gai Sensei. He was trying to sail the ship up a waterfall.

"Neji, calm down!" He yelled over the roar of the waterfall. "We need to go to Kenya for some much needed school supplies!"

This made NO sense, but I went with it. We were nearly up the waterfall when we began to fall. I screamed and screamed. ...And screamed It felt like we were falling forever. I actually had to look at my wrist to see how long it had been when I realized I wasn't wearing a watch. Finally, we fell into Australia.

I climbed out of the ship warily. I looked around and saw something I thought I had lost.

"Oh my god, my ice-cream!" I skipped over to the pile of melting ice cream on the ground. "Look guys, I found my-!" I looked up at Lee and Gai Sensei and my smile immediacy vanished. They were smiling evilly, holding up spoons.

My eyes widened. "No! Don't you dare eat that ice cream!"

They started laughing and walking toward the ice cream.

"No! Don't eat the ice cream!" I screamed. ­-.-

"DON'T EAT MY ICE CREAM, YOU BASTARDS!" I sat up awake. Everyone was staring at me. I was still on the deck. I looked around and walked to my cabin...room...thing slowly. -.-


	6. Final Phase: The Island

The next couple days went on uneventfully. Though it was only three days, it was packed with a month's worth of pain and misery. What a positive out look on life, eh?

"We're here!" Gai Sensei said. He had been talking like a pirate for the entire three days, making the time drag on even longer.

My eyes widened as he pulled out three diving suits. "W-what are those for?"

"Diving, Neji-san!" Lee jumped in.

I sighed. "I know that, Lee. Why are we diving?" Remember, I can't swim.

"There are a lot of rocks by the shore of the Fountain of Youth, so we need to dive in and swim to shore!" Gai Sensei smiled.

I changed into my diving suit and walked out back onto the deck. "Are you sure we need to do this?" I asked Gai Sensei nervously. "Can't we just-" He pushed me into the water and I fell headfirst.

I just kind of...sank. Lee and Gai Sensei were swimming in circles around me, waving and smiling with those goddamn sparkles floating around them. They didn't even bother to help me. They just watched as I sank. I began to flail around in a spastic manner when I felt my hair being pulled backwards. Somehow, my hair had gotten stuck under a rock. I tried to swim up but it was no use. I was sure I was going to drown. I started flailing and twitching like someone had just canceled Oprah.

And, remember, Karma's a bitch, ladies and gentlemen. While Gai Sensei and Lee were swimming around in circles, their oxygen tanks started to leak and before long, they were out of air. They sank to the bottom right next to me. I waved to them casually before I started twitching again. They waved back and began twitching as well.

I looked up to see if I could see the sky, when I realized something. I picked up the rock, which felt a lot heavier than it actually was, okay?! (Yes, it was a pebble, but that's beside the point.) I stood up and threw the rock onto the shore. The water barely reached my knees. I looked down at Gai Sensei and Lee who were still twitching and flailing. (God, that's an awesome word...flailing...heh...) They looked up at me and smiled for a few seconds then went back to drowning.

I shook my head and walked onto the shore. They'd figure it out soon enough. And if they didn't...you know what, I hope they wrote me in their wills...

Anyhow, I walked into the vast forest...thing on the island. It was a bunch of palm trees. Rows and rows of palm trees. Why is it that islands have so many palm trees anyway...?

"Wait up, Neji!" Gai Sensei was two feet behind me. Good, they still had time to write me in their will..."Follow me! I have a map!" Gai Sensei smiled and held up a map.

Unfortunately, the map was an upside down road map of some city in Kentucky. I, being the only intelligent person in the group, I spoke up. "Hey, dumbass, that's a road map of frickin' Kentucky."

Lee gasped. "Neji! How dare you insult Gai Sensei!? He is right in everything he does and he knows what he is doing! So shut the hell up!" Lee said, sparkles in his eyes...and around him...for God's sake, there were probably sparkles in his PANTS.

"He's right, Neji. I know what I'm doing!" Gai Sensei smiled and talked in his annoyingly retarded voice that has come to haunt me in nightmares. "And besides, we don't say frickin'. It's bad. We must say 'fuck' instead."

I thought about this. Before I could say anything, Gai Sensei and Lee skipped off into the woods. I sighed and walked behind them. -.-

I fell to the ground. It had been hours since we got to the island. We hadn't rested, hadn't eaten anything, and I didn't get my potty break! "Are we there yet?" I whined.

"Almost..." Gai Sensei said. He said that hours ago.

But, this time, he was telling the truth. Almost immediately, we came to an opening in the trees. The three of us stepped into the clearing.

I stood there, paralyzed. I could feel my jaw drop. What I expected to be there, a beautiful fountain with those retarded sparkles wasn't anywhere to be seen. The only thing in the clearing was a run down convenience store with a rotting old sign that read 'Ye Olde Fountain of Youth'.

"Gai Sensei, how could you?!" Lee screamed, tears streaming down his face. Finally, Lee could see what an _idiot_ Gai Sensei truly was.

"Oh, just wait, you guys. You'll be a lot happier once you see this!" He dragged us both into the convenience store by our wrists and ran over to where they keep all of the cold drinks.

He grabbed a bottle and gave it to Lee. "Drink some of that and tell me you're ashamed!" He beamed.

Lee opened a bottle and took a sip. His eyes widened and he fell over, coughing. "What the hell is that, Gai Sensei?" He choked.

"Natural Spring Water!" Gai Sensei beamed again. "Right from this island!"

I grabbed the bottle. "Bullshit. Let me see." I looked at ingredients list that looked almost exactly like this:

**Ingredients: Apple Juice concentrate, strawberries, goldfish, couch concentrate, Flintstone(c) vitamins, cookies, banana peels, and 1 percent natural tap water. **

I blinked. "There's no natural spring water anywhere in this damn thing!" I threw the bottle at Gai Sensei's head.

Gai Sensei hesitated. "But it's good for you!"

"How?!" I screamed. Why did I have to be the only sane one?

"Can't you read!? It has Flintstone(c) vitamins!" He looked at me as if I was stupid.

Lee's eye twitched. He ran out of the store, screaming about how Gai Sensei had failed him. I haven't seen him since.

I did what I should have years ago. I ran out the door, stole the boat from that one little girl who pushed me into a tree, and sailed of to Australia. -.-

Well, that brings us to where we are now. I'm living peacefully in Australia. You know, I've always wanted to have an accent. I would have like a British one better, or maybe Mexican! But, I'll settle for Australian.

I'm sure Gai Sensei is raping little boys or something back in Konoha. He's still retarded as ever and doesn't learn a damn thing.

The only thing I'm not really sure is where Lee is. I've heard he's still on that island, selling home insurance or something. That kid's always been a little wrong in the head.

So, my story ends here, I hope you thought it interesting. But I have to go...do something Australian now. You know...because bears love cookies...and their songs...

**THE END**


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